Monday, 28 May 2018

Mamma remains

This has been the toughest yet most weird weekend in my life. I have lost my Mamma, and yet I haven't cried much. Maybe I was already preparing myself for her end and was praying to the almighty to give her the peace that she deserved. My mamma didn't deserve the pain she went through for the last couple of months. She was the pillar of my life, my constant source of encouragement and strength. Now that she is gone, I can merely feel that she is gone. I bear the lessons, the teachings the affection and love that she had bestowed upon me for all these 31 years of my life. My Mamma will be here with me forever till my last breath.

I have come to office today, not even two days after my mamma's death and I haven't cried much. I was unable to stay at home for some unknown reasons and right now I feel guilty as hell. I had chicken yesterday after everyone told me that it was fine to eat non-veg, but somehow I don't feel right. I feel that this is the least I can do to show my love and respect for that one person who was everything to me.
I feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't visit Kolkata in 2017 and that might have triggered Mamma to fall prey to more and more depression. I have become self-centered, selfish, lazy and ignorant. All I want is my happiness, my peace of mind, my time and my space. I didn't even care to understand that by not taking her calls or hanging up the phone too soon saying am busy and all, I have lost her forever and this time she is not calling me back ever again.
I took Mamma for granted. There you go, I took her unconditional love for granted. I just believed that she is there, she will be there for me whenever I need her. But I failed to tell myself that she would have felt the same way, expecting me to go and visit her even though I am married and have an office to attend everyday!
I am sorry Mamma, you were right. I realize it now after you have left. I now feel the vacuum that cannot be filled ever with someone else's presence. You were right, I will realize your loss only when you are gone. I am sorry, I am truly guilty of my ignorance. I took your undying love for granted.
I came to office today, and I feel alright. Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I not supposed to cry my heart out? Where are my emotions gone? Where are they? Why don't they come to me right this moment when I am penning down this.
I ate Al-faham chicken Mamma, a day after you left, I watched the CSK-HSR finals a day after you left, I took a bath and laughed along with others. You must be thinking, Mamma where have your love gone for me? Have you forgotten me Mamma? You must be thinking why on earth am I not crying?
Mamma, I am shredded into pieces inside, Mamma, I am dying every moment, every second, only if you had known.
You are gone Mamma, and I can't share my feelings with anyone, not even Rahul. He is new and he will not know, although he tries to. It's not his fault, Mamma, just that he doesn't know, just because I didn't make him feel. I failed here as well Mamma, I failed you and your love. What can I do to make up to you Mamma? What can I do to bring you back?
I cannot explain people about us Mamma, I cannot explain others what you mean to me. If only I saw you for one last time. I gave up on you too soon. No one can replace you Mamma, no one. I love you Mamma, Amar Mamma.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Akash Onek Baki

Bhanga panchiler faak diye dekha jaye crescent chand
aamader chader bot gacher boyesher sathe amader notun concrete chaad.

Thik jeno jethu boshe kosche shobdochhok
daan haath bariye ekta cigerette er taan
Thik jeno ek peg drink er sathe ajke
 jethur pochonder, khub pochonder shosha kuchi ar daalmuter jhaal.

Aaj o jeno jethur cigerette er pora gondho ar dhowa
Chokh bondho korlei mammar kacher eshe jethur odrishyo haath choya.

Aaj shiklum ambition thaka bhalo
kintu dourano manei jibon noye
Swapno thaka onek daami eshober majhe
haath dhore hathar ek ochena bhoy.

Naiba holo praasadh, nai ba holo gari
thaak na sudhu amar tomar ei bhaabh ei aari.
Naiba gelum ochena desh, naiba sonar chaabi,
thakbe tumi, thakbo ami, amader sadharon shob daabi.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

This shade of the Sun

The first winter breeze, the first leaf to fall
The first winter sun, the happiness that brings along.

I sit on this porch and I see sun smiling down
I clap my hands with warmth, the Sun just adds it on.

The green leaves are now slowly turning their faces red
The blooming flowers that glow year long are ready to be led.

Somehow the chilling part is incomplete without that sunshine
Somehow I feel they can't do without each other but only align.

Have you seen those cheeks going red? Have you felt that jitter from the breeze?
Have you told yourself yet, the winter is here with stories untold to release?

Oh the Sun and its thousand tales to tell
Oh the Sun , my excitement is here to dwell.


The yellowness of the trees, the whiteness of the air
the layering of heat amidst which the winter tends to adhere.

Stay here winter, stay here for sometime
Stay close winter, stay here for the love to rhyme.

I hold myself tight like I never would let go
This shade of Sunshine is the reason behind all that glow.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

You are here, You are everywhere

Lying on the king-bed of our ancestral home where Jethu used to sleep, makes me wonder whether he's looking down on me right now. He must be thinking why does this girl do not  care to put on the right pillow covers with the matching bed cover. That was my Jethu, who for a change unlike the other men in the family, cared much about the finesse more than anything else.
His 19th century, inherited, grand dressing table has various drawers fitted with iron handles. These drawers have restored and witnessed all the poetic verses behind the cigarette covers, carved wooden pipes, important papers, watches ranging from pocket specialties to the recent black leather silver lined expensive gift he received for his quick recuperation.
Time has stood still. He promised me , lying on the bed number 103, Orchid Nursing Home. He promised me to have the best and memorable birthday this year. Yes we share our birthday. we have had always celebrated it together. not a single year have we wondered if there will be any other plans. This year it won't be the same. Jethu did not keep his word. He left us way before he should have. I asked him whether I was his favourite? He always held my face and said, " Tuito amar shob cheye adorer". I knew he loved didisona more than anyone else.
My childhood have succumbed with Jethu's death. Yes, it has. I  have no memory without my jethu and mamma. I havebeen so foolish thinking that my loved ones would remain with me throughout. " Please mamma, ebaar ekta prem kor. please ebaar biye kore fel. tor baccha kaccha dekhe tobe ami opore jabo," Jethu  would always irritate me with his loud voice. I was never angry; never annoyed with my Buro dadu. I know why he used to put it that way quite often than usual while lying on that nursing home bed. He knew he was coming to an end. Only, we thought his happiness, his peace had come back because he was recuperating from his chemo and radiation therapies. 
My most loving and the best friend since childhood,have surrendered to the universal truth. He has vanished in the air. The truth underlying here, that everything ends up in mere ashes but memory, and only moments remain.
Jethu have been the pillar of strength. His laughter still echoes in the house. Everything is still the same. His humongous tool box, his innumerable fashionable wardrobe, his books, everything. He has left behind a huge unfathomable void, an empty space, an empty room with his smell. I see Mamma going back to that room, sitting on that big armchair looking at him, only this time he is hanging on a frame on the wall.
Colours of promises have strengthened her. He is watching her stand alone, with all that is going inside her. She hasn't cried. " Death should be felt within. The pain should not be expressed only through tears. My feelings are very personal. Jhotu remains where he has always been. He knows it very well. I know if for thousand years now. Yeah it feels like thousand."
I just regret one thing. I have failed as a daughter. I have failed jethu. I have failed him in many ways. I have never wished him a fathers' day. May be yearned to hear that. Yes I have failed him completely. The lessons he gave me since childhood are beyond those textbooks. I know how to mend a radio. I know how to fix an antennae , I know how to make a wooden box for my toys. My mentor, my biggest partner in crime, my man Friday has left me with so much. " porashona kore ki hobe re? manusher moton manush hobi. tor theke ami onek kichu expect kori re," was his last words to me, when I visited him in that nursing home cabin.
I am never going to hold his hands while pandal hopping in Durga Pujo; I will never tell him TO smoking and drinking; I will never get to show him my high heeled shoes which he hated; I will never get to tell him, " You are my most handsome boyfriend, Jethu"; I will never get to hung up on him when he said, " ar kota din achi, burotar ekta khobor nishna keno re"; I wishes he lived more. 
Watching him lying in the pool of white lotus rings, sleeping his peaceful slumber, he had a smile on his face. He must have been singing his favourite song while he was taken for his last journey,' Amar Mukti Aloye Aloye'.

Friday, 10 August 2012

kekadhhoni: Band Of Brothers

kekadhhoni: Band Of Brothers:  If one walks down from the College Street bus stop towards Chittaranjan Avenue, the Long rows of Band Party shops will definitely catch ...

Band Of Brothers


 If one walks down from the College Street bus stop towards Chittaranjan Avenue, the Long rows of Band Party shops will definitely catch the eyes. Old and young men, especially from the lower strata of the society dressed in colorful and gaudy outfits with huge brass instruments, sitting on the shops, ready to entertain.
One such shop is Calcutta Band, just two or three shops behind the famous Mahmood Band Shop, famous for being one of the oldest in the city. Md. Akhtar, twenty year old Son of Akhtar Bhai, clad in a yellow Kurta with a dab of fresh black surma on the lower eyelids, narrates the present scenario of their business and whatever history he knows about the profession. Akhtar adds, “My great grandfather was the band master in the 60s and 70s and later with the lineage, Akhtar’s father and his brothers had taken up the profession of playing the huge brass instruments eventually.
It’s been ages and many of the band party members are there for two or three generations. Shakib and Zaheer , both in their late 60s, looks on while Md. Akhtar Jr. , discloses history and facts about them. “Most of the music players are extremely poor and they are mostly from Bihar and Jharkhand” adds Akhtar , while discussing what kinds of people consists of the band members. He continues, “They had come to Kolkata from different parts of Bihar and have been doing odd jobs until they found their real calling- that of a band party player.”
The name Calcutta Band was undertaken in the 80s when Md. Akhtar’s father, who was then a band master bought this shop on rent and started his own Band ‘tasha’ party in erstwhile Calcutta. He had been on the helm of the shop.  However, things have changed; the band party business has seen a steep downfall in the recent past due to various reasons. Most of the band party shops on the M.G. Road are now rented out or are on contract basis.
There are around twenty old lean weary bodied men who work in Calcutta Band. Md. Akhtar describes, “the band members are the support system and they are the ones on whom our business is totally dependent.”  Although the revenue generation is not that fulfilling, Akhtar says, “Whatever we charge, out of that we distribute 75 percent to the tasha members and the rest is spent on shop rent, electricity and various other maintenance charges.” Therefore the income from the profession is not much. “My grandfather used to charge 700 to 900 rupees during late 70s and now we charge around 3000 to 5000 rupees,” continues Akhtar smilingly, “Not much of a difference has come over.”
Montu , a 64 year old bass player who has worked in Calcutta Band from 80s shared his musical experience. He recalls, “I have always wondered why I remained a band member and did nothing else. Something else could have fetched me more income, but I know playing my bass and watching people rejoice a happy moment is way better than earning huge money.”
The band party business has been a part of non –Bengali Culture but not a tradition of the State. Md Akhtar says, “Punjabis and Marwaris in the city hire us on wedding parties and receptions, while the Bengali does not really relate to our way of playing a band in the weddings or any auspicious occasions.

However, Band party remains an integral part of Kolkata when Montu says, “Durga Puja Bhashan is incomplete without us, at various famous Puja Organisations and we also play in various Juloos(Processions) such as Holi, Diwali and others.”  Even though Band party or Tasha party is a great way to make joy and have a musical experience not many Bengalis relate to them.
Dr Saptarshi Basu, Organizing Secretary of Ballygunge Cultural Association, proposed his thought, “ Band party is not really an essential part of our Ballygunge Association Durga Puja as we strictly stick to the traditional Dhaak music. I like it when I see them perform in a friend’s wedding or reception, but being a organizing secretary I have a responsibility to keep up the taste and Bengalis simply do not prefer Band party or tasha parties even during the bhasan (immersion of the deity) as it does not match with the traditional traits of the Bengali Culture.”
Playing in weddings have lessened in recent past and Montu shared a funny anecdote, “ only reason we don’t get to play in the  weddings is because young girls and boys do love marriages and they elope; arranged marriages call for great celebrations and that we get to earn a lot. These youngsters should understand our businesses too as their parents spent lot more than what we ask for.”
Shakib is a shy boy of 17 and he loves to play the trumpet. “I have learned from the seniors in the band and they have taught us how to play a trumpet or the bass, flutes and drums.” The party members are trained in such way that they can play any of the musical instruments. “ I have taken up trumpet playing since I love the look of the instrument and also when I play it, everyone, especially the kids and young girls look at me in awe that pushes me to do better.”
Band Parties are considered a great way to enjoy and have a gala time during the weddings, not only in Bengal but also in other parts of the Country. Shivam Ram, son of Mangat Ram from the famous Shiva Band in Ludhiana has thrown light to a different aspect in a band party performance.  He says, “Be it buying a new car to babyshower, Punjabi Celebrations are incomplete without band baaja party, madamji.” Shivam laughs and adds, “happy occasions without loud trumpets and bass, will that sound or look good, I can only wonder.”  The rates differ a lot in these two states, where these Punjabi band party charges 7000 to 8000 rupees per occasion, a maximum of 3000 is charged here in Kolkata. Songs of Gurdas Mann to Daler Mehndi are the famous picks for Punjabis. Whereas bollywood songs are considered the trend in Kolkata.

Mustafa Akunji who works for Alimuddin Band narrated his 16 years experience. Dressed in white kurta) pyjama , Mustafa informs, “ We not only perform for Bengalis in Durga Puja Bhashans(immersion), but also for Gujratis, Punjabis and Marwaris.” He finds it really nice to make people happy and rejoice with the songs, music and beat as he adds, “ People in Bengal are very enthusiastic even though they are a bit miser when it comes to paying us tips and bonuses.” Mustafa says, “ There are about 20 musicians in his shop and Pappuji, our boss is a great man, as he makes sure each one gets to eat at the end of the day and because of his kindness and caring nature, the almighty has bestowed us good business every now and then.”
Alimuddin Band is famous in the neighbourhood for travelling to various places in the eastern part of the country. Mustafa Akunji recalls, “ We have performed in various parts of Odisha since 1997. Various organizations and wealthyfamilies have had hired us for weddings, receptions and even pujas such as Laxmi puja.” While talking about these short tours, Mustafa couldn’t hold himself but share an extremely peculiar incident, “We travel a lot and during the winters of 2007, we were supposed to perform for the wedding in Bonga and Chandipur. When we reached the bride’s place, we saw women crying and a quaint situation prevailed. On questioning about it, we were informed that the bride has run away with her lover and we were left aghast. From that wedding we had returned with only half the charge, only to lessen the bride’s father’s pain a little.”
Prosenjit is a young man of 23 and he loves playing the Bass. He has also received training from the mentors. Ram Chandra, a native from Bihar has taught Prosenjit the right notes and the knick and knacks of playing them right. Prosenjit informs, “ all of us who came to Kolkata had been novice with less or no experience at all; however here in Alimuddin Band, Pappuji, the owner makes it sire that we get proper training and rehearsals are regular for better performances every time.”
“There has been an old notion that the band party members used to get intoxicated with a dose of alcohol in order to get more energy on the instruments, such things do not hold much truth,” adds Rabin, another band party member from Alimuddin band. He continues smilingly, “ those who hire us will either kill us or else the reputation of our work will go down in gutters, if something like that ever happened. We have to be in senses madamji, otherwise how will we manage to hold on to such heavy brass instruments?”
The business of a band party seemed bleak and only seasonal; the enthusiasm of these odd men from various eastern parts of the Country seemed high. Nothing could break them or hinder their wish and yearning to make people happy with their musical delight. With low maintained uniforms and age old brass instruments these men gets ready to entertain. For these men, for these bands, the show must go on.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

kekadhhoni: The Balancing Act

kekadhhoni: The Balancing Act: “I have achieved a lot in life, more than I had ever dreamt of”, said the seventy-eighth year old world renowned juggler, Abhoy Mitra. ...