Lying on the king-bed of our ancestral home where Jethu used to sleep, makes me wonder whether he's looking down on me right now. He must be thinking why does this girl do not care to put on the right pillow covers with the matching bed cover. That was my Jethu, who for a change unlike the other men in the family, cared much about the finesse more than anything else.
His 19th century, inherited, grand dressing table has various drawers fitted with iron handles. These drawers have restored and witnessed all the poetic verses behind the cigarette covers, carved wooden pipes, important papers, watches ranging from pocket specialties to the recent black leather silver lined expensive gift he received for his quick recuperation.
Time has stood still. He promised me , lying on the bed number 103, Orchid Nursing Home. He promised me to have the best and memorable birthday this year. Yes we share our birthday. we have had always celebrated it together. not a single year have we wondered if there will be any other plans. This year it won't be the same. Jethu did not keep his word. He left us way before he should have. I asked him whether I was his favourite? He always held my face and said, " Tuito amar shob cheye adorer". I knew he loved didisona more than anyone else.
My childhood have succumbed with Jethu's death. Yes, it has. I have no memory without my jethu and mamma. I havebeen so foolish thinking that my loved ones would remain with me throughout. " Please mamma, ebaar ekta prem kor. please ebaar biye kore fel. tor baccha kaccha dekhe tobe ami opore jabo," Jethu would always irritate me with his loud voice. I was never angry; never annoyed with my Buro dadu. I know why he used to put it that way quite often than usual while lying on that nursing home bed. He knew he was coming to an end. Only, we thought his happiness, his peace had come back because he was recuperating from his chemo and radiation therapies.
My most loving and the best friend since childhood,have surrendered to the universal truth. He has vanished in the air. The truth underlying here, that everything ends up in mere ashes but memory, and only moments remain.
Jethu have been the pillar of strength. His laughter still echoes in the house. Everything is still the same. His humongous tool box, his innumerable fashionable wardrobe, his books, everything. He has left behind a huge unfathomable void, an empty space, an empty room with his smell. I see Mamma going back to that room, sitting on that big armchair looking at him, only this time he is hanging on a frame on the wall.
Colours of promises have strengthened her. He is watching her stand alone, with all that is going inside her. She hasn't cried. " Death should be felt within. The pain should not be expressed only through tears. My feelings are very personal. Jhotu remains where he has always been. He knows it very well. I know if for thousand years now. Yeah it feels like thousand."
I just regret one thing. I have failed as a daughter. I have failed jethu. I have failed him in many ways. I have never wished him a fathers' day. May be yearned to hear that. Yes I have failed him completely. The lessons he gave me since childhood are beyond those textbooks. I know how to mend a radio. I know how to fix an antennae , I know how to make a wooden box for my toys. My mentor, my biggest partner in crime, my man Friday has left me with so much. " porashona kore ki hobe re? manusher moton manush hobi. tor theke ami onek kichu expect kori re," was his last words to me, when I visited him in that nursing home cabin.
I am never going to hold his hands while pandal hopping in Durga Pujo; I will never tell him TO smoking and drinking; I will never get to show him my high heeled shoes which he hated; I will never get to tell him, " You are my most handsome boyfriend, Jethu"; I will never get to hung up on him when he said, " ar kota din achi, burotar ekta khobor nishna keno re"; I wishes he lived more.
Watching him lying in the pool of white lotus rings, sleeping his peaceful slumber, he had a smile on his face. He must have been singing his favourite song while he was taken for his last journey,' Amar Mukti Aloye Aloye'.
