This has been the toughest yet most weird weekend in my life. I have lost my Mamma, and yet I haven't cried much. Maybe I was already preparing myself for her end and was praying to the almighty to give her the peace that she deserved. My mamma didn't deserve the pain she went through for the last couple of months. She was the pillar of my life, my constant source of encouragement and strength. Now that she is gone, I can merely feel that she is gone. I bear the lessons, the teachings the affection and love that she had bestowed upon me for all these 31 years of my life. My Mamma will be here with me forever till my last breath.
I have come to office today, not even two days after my mamma's death and I haven't cried much. I was unable to stay at home for some unknown reasons and right now I feel guilty as hell. I had chicken yesterday after everyone told me that it was fine to eat non-veg, but somehow I don't feel right. I feel that this is the least I can do to show my love and respect for that one person who was everything to me.I feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't visit Kolkata in 2017 and that might have triggered Mamma to fall prey to more and more depression. I have become self-centered, selfish, lazy and ignorant. All I want is my happiness, my peace of mind, my time and my space. I didn't even care to understand that by not taking her calls or hanging up the phone too soon saying am busy and all, I have lost her forever and this time she is not calling me back ever again.
I took Mamma for granted. There you go, I took her unconditional love for granted. I just believed that she is there, she will be there for me whenever I need her. But I failed to tell myself that she would have felt the same way, expecting me to go and visit her even though I am married and have an office to attend everyday!
I am sorry Mamma, you were right. I realize it now after you have left. I now feel the vacuum that cannot be filled ever with someone else's presence. You were right, I will realize your loss only when you are gone. I am sorry, I am truly guilty of my ignorance. I took your undying love for granted.
I came to office today, and I feel alright. Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I not supposed to cry my heart out? Where are my emotions gone? Where are they? Why don't they come to me right this moment when I am penning down this.
I ate Al-faham chicken Mamma, a day after you left, I watched the CSK-HSR finals a day after you left, I took a bath and laughed along with others. You must be thinking, Mamma where have your love gone for me? Have you forgotten me Mamma? You must be thinking why on earth am I not crying?
Mamma, I am shredded into pieces inside, Mamma, I am dying every moment, every second, only if you had known.
You are gone Mamma, and I can't share my feelings with anyone, not even Rahul. He is new and he will not know, although he tries to. It's not his fault, Mamma, just that he doesn't know, just because I didn't make him feel. I failed here as well Mamma, I failed you and your love. What can I do to make up to you Mamma? What can I do to bring you back?
I cannot explain people about us Mamma, I cannot explain others what you mean to me. If only I saw you for one last time. I gave up on you too soon. No one can replace you Mamma, no one. I love you Mamma, Amar Mamma.
